The day you've been working towards for years is quickly approaching. Like it or not, you are about to send your child off to college for the first time. Emotions are running high: you just had the pleasure of watching them graduate, and now you are transitioning to the time when they will leave home.
For their entire life, you have been there to care for your child, guiding and supporting them through every challenge and triumph. As they prepare to start college, it's time for them to begin taking care of themselves and navigating their own path. This transition is incredibly bittersweet.
You are probably feeling tremendous pride and joy, but also some apprehension and sadness. What is your soon-to-be college freshman feeling? Likely much of the same, even if they are not expressing it.
How can you use the remaining time this summer to connect with your pre-college child before they leave? How can you make sure they are okay during this transitional period?
We sat down with Nicole Catalano, LPC, LCADC, therapist and owner of the mental health and substance abuse practice Key To Serenity, to ask her some questions that can help you and your pre-college child before they leave home.
Question #1 What are positive bonding activities for the parent and child to do together before they leave for college?
I recommend spending time on things your child enjoys in addition to the things you need to do for college planning/prep. It is so important to have fun and be present before time slips away! This may be an activity that your child may not be able to do while they are away or something they may have always wanted to do. Either way, allowing your child to pick the activity is important so they have a voice, especially if you have more than one child to split time with. Brownie points for taking pictures (or letting your kid post on Snap/IG!); you can frame the moment for their dorm!
Question #2 How can a parent balance offering support while also encouraging their child's independence?
We often hear that when children turn 18, they are legally defined as adults. Parents frequently remind their high schoolers of this, and certainly, the newly 18-year-old will share their age with pride. Can you close your eyes and remember turning eighteen? For me, it was a whirlwind of newfound freedom blended with uncertainty and wanting, but not always asking for, guidance. College-bound children want to feel celebrated as young adults who have worked so hard to get into school. However, they still need their parents even if they do not express it. My suggestion is to provide your child with positive affirmations of their effort thus far while also letting them know you are here to listen as a soundboard for anything they need.
Question #3: Should I change the rules in my home this summer before they leave to give them more independence?
Whether your child is living on campus or commuting to school, this would be a great time to evaluate expectations. Think of this as an opportunity to have a conversation with your college-bound child about what has worked, what has not/needs to change, and what is reasonable to expect. For example, if there have been firm rules about curfew, but you know your child may be playing sports or joining Greek life, will they be staying out later more often? I would advise parents to think about what makes sense now that your child is entering a new chapter in their life. Of course, your child will still need structure, but this will look different. I would encourage parents to be open and flexible to change at the start of the semester & then firm up guidelines when you and your child are more settled in.
Question #4 What are signs I should look out for if I feel my child is acting differently this summer?
Parents should look out for any changes in their child’s mood or behavior that seems outside of their normal self. Children who lose interest in things they used to love, have a sudden change in peers/relationships, or are sleeping/eating differently may be undergoing symptoms consistent with depression. Certainly, parents do not need to diagnose their children, but it may help to start with a friendly conversation. Ask your child how they are feeling, check in about their social networks, and identify any observations with a neutral tone. You can simply state, I’ve noticed you are sleeping past 11 am, and that’s not quite like you. Tell me more about that. This open-ended curiosity allows your child to answer without feeling like they are on the defensive.
Question #5- If I have concerns, what should I do next?
It is always a good idea to rule out underlying medical issues, so taking your child to their primary care doctor (and assessing if they have “grown out” of theirs) is important. Primary care physicians also provide some mental health support and often utilize screening tools to determine if a referral to a therapist should be made. I would voice your concerns to their doctor while giving your child space to speak with them privately if they are not a minor. Young adults want to feel like they are in control, and parents can establish this by offering their observations and allowing children to speak their perspectives. You may also look into therapists on your child’s health care plan; however, sometimes, waits can be long. Families who have children up to age 21 can utilize Perform Care, a free 24/7 service, by calling 1-877-652-7624. They can dispatch care managers within two hours or at a scheduled time to assess and provide resources such as counseling and wraparound linkage. The good news is that children who are 18 years old can call for themselves, which promotes autonomy. Children can also use the 2nd Floor Hotline 24/7 by texting/calling 1-888-222-2228 for general support. If a child is at risk for hurting themselves or others, it is best to visit your local emergency room or call 911.
"Please visit Nicole Catalano at Key to Serenity to see how she can support you and your family with their mental health needs"
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